I Can Sell Tumours
by Luke Hall
If I really wanted to tussle creatures with no mind of their own, I would’ve started an argument with a writer of Buzz-Feed. Instead I was forced into a stare-down with clusters of sheep as I trudged up the hill to Horton Tower. They had judgmental faces; they must’ve known that I’d done the very thing that the Facebook said you mustn’t do. I’d supported Trump. In a move to unnerve me they did the unexpected, and urinated in unison, as if finalising the next stage in a calculated process to turn my chewed carcass into a fetching toothpick.
Horton Tower was as much as a curiosity back in the Georgian era of the 1750s as it is now. Most buildings back then were made for a special kind of purpose. It was either to house a family, be the first in a number of titanic industrial ventures, or as a place of worship as you coughed up your TB ridden lungs onto the altar. Horton Tower on the other hand, was made for absolutely no reason whatsoever. It wasn’t meant as a lookout, a place to store dead witches, or as a means of incarcerating the French. Regardless, Lord Humphrey Sturt saw the building through to completion so others can look upon the folly that never contributed anything, and had no earthly reason for existing (much like Maroon 5).
In the films, towers like these usually house some gnarly secret organisations, or a psychopath clutching a pair of bloodstained scissors, but once again reality disappoints. It was a Vodafone signal mast, and I could smell the overcharged, tax-dodging tumours from a mile off. I took a few paces back from the tower to avoid having my brain waves emitted to extra-terrestrials as I pulled my phone out and took my lighter photo. Now you may liken this to my last lighter photo, but you’d be mistaken, that was a fern, this is a doc leaf.
When I gazed at the top of the tower and saw the mast with my own eyes it had finally hit me, Lord Humphrey was a genius! Who would’ve known, that the Lord would create a building whose purpose wouldn’t blossom for over three hundred years? His foresight was staggering, he was a visionary that had set out to create a building that would in centuries to follow, help teenagers take dick pics and accidently send them to their uncles! Even Steve Jobs couldn’t think that far ahead.
Editor: Joel Emmons